sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
