I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
