recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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