This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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