Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
