During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The struggles of a small town man whore
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
