i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
