I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize