Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
