Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
