I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
