he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
