What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
