Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
