his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
