I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize