We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
