No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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