So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize