omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
