Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
