So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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