i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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