My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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