No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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