Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize