a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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