Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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