the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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