I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
