over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
