i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Semen is not good for contacts.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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