watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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