Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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