The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize