Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
