After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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