WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
