she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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