I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
