you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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