LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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