if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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