fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
