Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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