he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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