God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
