Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
