god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
