i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
