I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
