i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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