WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
