I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
