A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
