She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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