We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
