Are we in a gay sports bar?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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