Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
