Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
