Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Randomize
