I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I AM VODKA MAN
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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